When I was young I used to say "I love you" to my dad every night before bed. He would say "I love you" back to me. This is how it was for my childhood and young adulthood. When I was around 21 I somehow realized that I was always the one to say "I love you" first. My dad always returned it, but he never said it first. For some reason this made me upset. I wanted him to say it first. So one night I just said 'goodnight'. And then I waited for him to say it, but the words never came. Just an awkward silence and stare. So I turned around and went to bed. The next night I tried again, but still he didn't say "I love you". Soon after I started feeling anxiety when it came time for bed. I would avoid him and just go to bed without saying anything. I was hurt and angry and confused. I couldn't understand why my dad wouldn't tell me he loved me. And I refused to go back to saying it to him first.

Fast forward 15 years and painfully this is still going on. I still avoid saying goodnight to my father. Sometimes he will say goodnight and then stare at me, as if he's waiting for me to say "I love you". But I don't say it. I can't. I am so hurt and angered by what he has done. I feel it has not only severely damaged our relationship but also my mental health and emotional well being. Yet I also sometimes feel incredibly guilty, since I am the one who started this whole thing in the first place, and I was too stubborn to relent and too cowardly to talk about it with him.

As crazy as this is going to sound I know that my father does love me. In the years since this whole thing began he has told me he loves me on occasion. And I have always returned it. I have even said it to him first on occasion. But the key phrase here is "on occasion". People go to the gym or have a drink "on occasion". Why can't my dad tell me he loves me every day? This whole thing has caused me more pain and hurt than I can begin to explain. It's like a plague over our relationship that's affected my whole life. I don't know how I can ever begin to heal this rift between us. What can I do?