I've calmed down some more, and now have more clarity.

I'm simply upset over my dating life and future prospects of having a family of my own. I'm 33, and I'm so upset that the chances of me having a child, or even two, are decreasing and I may have severe fertility problems. But then again, what are the chances of me even getting married and having children? My dating life is nowhere, and I feel like a failure to be 33 and no where near getting married. I feel like the whole world is judging me for not being partnered with someone. I also feel terrible that I can't attract a decent guy, and my bipolar diagnosis most likely will scare away a lot of men. I have zero confidence in myself and it shows. I expect to be rejected all the time. Whenever I try to have hope, and go to single events and nothing happens, I become hysterical.

I've always been envious of other women getting boyfriends and getting married. I've hated couples since high school. This envy turns me into a monster, much like what I wrote in the first post here, and a lot of times I don't care who I hurt. I am so filled with envy and hopelessness. I don't think I could ever stop crying.

I've always had bad social skills, which is why I didn't start to date until I was in my mid-20s. But even then, I had no confidence and dated guys I didn't really like or treated me poorly.

I screwed up my whole life. I'm going to die alone. I'm a failure!