I am so sorry that you are feeling this badly, September. I know how hard you work on yourself, and how much energy you spend trying to create a harmonious life for your family.

I agree with Canders that what you want is not selfish. OTOH, we cannot control others or external reality, and you know as well as any person at PC that this is so. You have demonstrated many times your inner resources to transcend outer conditions and rise above them.

It may take you a bit of time to find your inner peace once again. Please do not be too hard on yourself.

One thing I realized when P. abandoned me so suddenly was that during our 15 years together I had learned to love greatly. The reason I was feeling great grief was because that is the flip-side of great love. To love is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable. We cannot love without being willing to take the risk of being hurt, and grief is the price we pay for the love.

All of us who love must feel this grief at some point, because someone we love will predecease us, be it a parent, sibling, or beloved pet. This is the great lesson of life. I was counseled by both T and spiritual mentors to allow myself to feel my grief and to honor it, and in doing so, I had an epiphany -- I realized that if I could feel such grief in losing a beloved, how much greater must be the grief that a loving Universe (or diety) might feel when I turn away. So the experience strengthened my spiritual core.

Unfortunately, I have not healed to the point where I am willing to risk intimacy again. I can only imagine how much more painful your grief is; with blood ties, the flesh of your flesh, your children, the grief or the love is a binding tie.

You wrote: I haven't bathed in almost two weeks! GROSS!! NASTY!! But do I care? NO!

I think you do care, or you would not have written this. So go take a shower and wash yourself and respect yourself. Baby steps, baby steps. They assure us that we are doing something, making progress, however small.

We cannot love others until we love ourselves, and you will honor your grief/love for your children by taking care of yourself. I hope some of this makes sense, as it expresses a very personal point of view about love and grief.

(((((((((((((SeptemberMorn))))))))))))