Hi all, after being away feeling good and all, I had a huge crash this morning. I am not sure there is a way to pin point wtf is going on here- but i have a few ideas. I was irresponsible over the weekend when i was away- drinking a bit, stayed up too late, felt like crap after. I am a smoker (usually just 1 a day) but this weekend upped it to much more then that for a few days, and then came home, and tried to quit all this week. This morning major mood swing, freaked out, typical rage behavior, tantrums, screaming, and then... huge embarrassment and feeling like total $hit and exhausted now -_-

Have Pdoc appt today- what timing. I am scared to tell her i was so irresponsible... she is worried and always asking about my drinking. I dont know if that is a problem- typically 1 drink maybe a night, if any. But on weekends i can go hard- i know it is wrong, but i like to have fun :/ I resent this illness sometimes b/c i have to be so careful.... what a PIA. but then i pay.

Just when i thought i was OK.... at least my BF realizes (after the fact) this is my illness, but i get really mad at him in the heat of the moment, blaming him and saying he is also sick, that he doesnt do a good job of helping me get better, yadda yadda... i am becoming a broken record seeing major patterns each time i lose it. And my neighbors... i am waiting for them to call the cops one day... things get ugly and i hate that!!! Today, i locked myself in the bathroom twice and just wanted to break things.

I am not sure if it is that i am crashing after being 'up' all weekend? Or- if the weekend put me hypomanic? I dont know how to assess what is going on... b/c i was in bed, crying, didn't want to get up and didn't want to even live life today. I thought about taking a bottle of my prozac... then i realized it was a stupid idea, and that life would get better.

Im tired of all of this. I am scared b/c i worry my life is going to go to $hit, i am on meds and figured they would have helped me more by now. Ugh...... I also fantasize about being hospitalized or put in a institution where i am surrounded by help, and others who are like me, and checking out of life. I guess it is just the illness speaking right now. I hate when it hi-jacks my personality.

Oh the sick thing is- my SX drive is through the roof... Could things be weirder?

F it!!