Day 2 after my session where T. discussed referring me again. The last time we had this discussion was in May after I told her I felt trapped - painful therapy yet wanting to see her and then we got in a disagreement about spacing. This time she didn't like my reaction to something that eventually led to feelings about wishing I had a mom right now. The end result was what I thought would be the therapy but she focused on the fact that the transference was causing me to question her and not trust.

I have a session in 2 weeks, then 3 weeks from that and then another 2 weeks ending late September. She even asked me what I would want in a T. to which I replied a mom and it's not possible. I haven't even cried. I think the entire year I have questioned whether we are a good fit. I kept thinking the transference was what was making it bad but maybe it's just our personalities. She's a great person but she's like my mom in many ways - direct, tough, etc.

Yesterday I put away all my therapy books, deleted notes off my phone and it felt good. I felt in control. I plan to send her a text next Friday that I'm cancelling my Monday session. Then, 3 weeks later I plan to do the same and only go to the last session. I don't want to tell her my plans in case something comes up and I need those sessions. But, how awesome would it be to go to the last one with the realization I don't need therapy? My marriage is fine, work is fine, relationships are fine. Could they improve? Sure but we all have issues we can work on. I think my therapy focusing on my mom kept my mom issues "alive". I would realize what T. couldn't give me, realize what mom didn't give me and then wish someone would give it to me now. I would want to cry in front of her or her to see my pain, so I would keep those emotions going until my session instead of letting them go. I need to accept that it's not going to happen and that will be the key to healing. I'm not sure I need therapy to do that.

So, at the end I hope to be able to decide whether to take a more permanent break from therapy or go to someone else. Maybe my transference will be gone, maybe I'll have some insight. Do I miss her? yes. And, there's a little self blame going on. But, I also know I can be ok without her. I want to know that I can leave her on my own in a healthy way before she decides to abandon me. I have felt out of control this past year so I feel more empowered now.

So, I may post on here some but, as I mentioned before, I'm going to try to be on here less, think about therapy less and just live life.