I've never had a full blown, happy, above cloud nine, think I can fly mania either. I just get bad feeling, and than the badness has mania symptoms and psychotic symptoms. It's always just bad feeling for me. Either direction. That's why I like being stable, and if I feel myself getting a little elevated I drink on purpose to stop it, because I know it'll just be bad and make my anxiety skyrocket.

So I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on with me.

I can understand your frustration.

(The only time I've ever had a cloud nine mania was when I was first put on sertraline, so... med induced. Can it happen on its own? Can't say.)