How often do you sense your SO talking down to you, being rude, or dismissive? I feel like I'm noticing it more and more- but maybe I'm being to overreactive? I don't know.

MY SO and I are in couple counseling and it's been very good for us. I initiated the process because our fights were getting verbally abusive. My SO is very reactive, and highly expressive - i.e. she yells and escalates quickly. I didn't think I was a yelling person. I would like to think I'm rational, patient and try to be understanding but it had reached a point where I would explode pretty quickly.

I could feel becoming someone I didn't like.

I have my own therapist and we talk about my codependency issues affecting things. I can be passive aggressive. That doesn't help but I'm getting better at seeing, stating and taking care of my own needs. I want my partner to do the same.

My partner has made progress in recognizing the 'red zone' when it happens and we are able to de-escalate our fights quicker now. Sometimes we can cut them off at the pass. So that's good, but I have some lingering doubts and fears.

But.... I often hear her insulting me some small way, almost daily. Especially when she's tired or stressed (which is often.) She acts irritated, annoyed, etc. I get "the attitude". It can often feel like it's from out of nowhere.

In writing this, I realize she is being passive aggressive. She questions what I'm doing instead of asking for what she needs. She does this with an insulting condescending tone. For example, the other day she was waiting for me to finish what I was doing to start a movie. I was also waiting for her to finish what she was doing. We both were waiting for the other. Simple mistake, but instead of just asking if I was ready, she got irritated, accused me of avoiding our time and asked, "I guess you didn't really want to watch the movie?" — putting me on the defensive. She also implied that what I was doing was meaningless and wrong (I was reading online articles on my computer.)

In the grocery store, When I reach for (item X), she asks "What are you doing? I thought we are getting (item Y!)" Again, in a condescending and not really asking- but insulting tone. So much that I feel embarrassed and wrong- over a stupid grocery item.

Her catch phrases are, "What is wrong with you?" and "What are you doing?"

I call these 'micro-bullies' That's what it feels like. They're hard to recount accurately here— and that's what's crazy making. They're small brief comments, usually made in way that assumes I'm making some mistake instead of asking for clarification or making a request. They're too small to point out in the moment, and ten minutes later she'll forget all about them and pretend as if nothing is wrong.

Meanwhile- I'm left feeling small and defensive.

I'm not sure how to bring this up in counseling without 'rail-roading' her because she's often in denial that this happens or is a thing. I guess I'll need to just say what I'm feeling but.. ugh I don't want another fight.