I think I may have had this my whole life and never known it until just now. 32 years old, married, a mom, and I really do have a job that I love. I've always felt a little "off". I've had horrible self esteem I thought I had depression that's comes and goes.

I have not been formally diagnosed, but I have been researching the DSM 5 and reading up on mental and personality disorders because I just know I have SOMETHING. The more and more I read and learn about Avoidant personality disorder, the more things seem to "click" with me.

Even going back to childhood. Being called "shy" and "quiet", being so preoccupied with saying or doing the wrong thing that I just don't say or do anything at all, never being able to truly be myself or be completely honest around anyone, so afraid of judgement and so upset or angry when being judged, the ridiculously low self esteem which has brought about suicidak thoughts or thoughts that I am a burden to everyone who knows me, afraid to talk to new people or open myself up to those who know me, finding outlets in online chat for socialization where I can hide behind a screen. Falling into a deep depression and anger over any type of rejection. I think rejection is my #1 trigger.

If this is what I have it would explain so much. I know I need to actually see a doctor in order to obtain a formal diagnosis and I'm working on that. Talking about this face-to-face is terrifying. I know you're not supposed to diagnose yourself… But in all honesty no one knows me better than me. As I'm reading and researching articles on a AvPD, nothing has ever spoken to me more.

I am married to an amazing man who really doesn't know the half of it, because I am so scared to be honest with him about who I am. I had become addicted to online chatting because it is easier for me to open up to strangers while hiding behind a screen, both sexually and emotionally. In doing so, I entered into an online affair with a man that started out as sexual (as many of those chat rooms do) and turned into something more. Two years later I find myself heartbroken by him after he began completely and purposely avoiding me. I had such anger toward him for rejecting me I did some things I now regret. But we are both married and this online thing needed to end. It shouldn't have started in the first place, but I realize it was probably the AvPD that ultimately drove me to let it get this far. Not that it's an excuse. I don't blame him for ghosting me. I was becoming too attached. But the anger and depression I was left with over this is embarrassing.

This was my wake up call moment. My "I need help" realization. I spoke to a therapist but did not dive in deep. The therapist is actually my friend and there is no way I can be truly honest with somebody who knows me so well. What she did tell me was that I wouldn't get a diagnosis unless these behaviors are affecting my relationships in my life. Which they are in away even though I'm functioning and my husband has no idea and thinks everything is fine. If it is avoidant personality disorder, it would really make a lot of sense and put everything I've been through in the past into place. I have gotten really good at hiding my behaviors so that I can function normally. But I've gotten to the point where I can't keep hiding anymore