I live with the fear that my therapist is going to leave me. That she'll get tired or bored or fed up with my neediness or find a better client. I see the signs in everything she does or says. I know this is transference. But the certainty and fear is real. I have awful emotional flashbacks of being left again and again, but it's my T that's leaving me. I'm so certain of what's happening, but it feels like real life instead of a flashback, and then I feel ashamed that I felt that way and it starts over again. I'm in therapy with a trauma T, and she's endlessly patient and compassionate, but now I feel like I need so much reassurance that she'll get tired of it. There's never enough reassurance and it never lasts. I feel like I have no value and I'm disgusting to her because I just endlessly need. I keep recalling new memories of childhood, and I don't know if they're real or not. They can't be real - that wasn't my life. But I can’t feel like this if they weren’t real. And then I just go to a place inside myself where no one else gets to go and shut the world out. It's painful to be so alone, but at least I know for sure what to expect.