My Support Forums - View Single Post - Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

Daystrom · Aug 14, 2015, 03:00 AM

T, I had another breakdown tonight. I was lying awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking of you, but then my thoughts turned to her and that's when I crashed. All the years, all the memories, all the images, the promises, the totality of her flooded my mind in a tidal wave and then it seemed as though the tears would never stop.

Possible trigger:

I thought of the .38 in my nightstand, an arm's reach away, and how absurdly easy it would be if I were so inclined. I am not so inclined, though it disturbs me that such ideas come at all. Tonight I feel as though the stresses of this pain will wear me down and destroy me long before I ever get to that point.

It occurs to me, not for the first time, that my feelings for you are somehow a substitute for her. A "transference", to coin a term. But I still don't believe that's true, unless I've totally taken leave of my senses and don't recognize my own mind anymore.