Hi Anthony

Welcome to PC!!
Glad you joined us, you're going to find a lot understanding and supportive people on here.
It sounds like you're struggling a lot, and you're absolutely right, sometimes just trying to tell yourself to think positively or "in different shades" just doesn't cut it.
But that's not to say that with the right support things/your feelings/your thoughts can't change.
There have been plenty of people feeling similar to you, who have come through, who have emerged on the other side, who have beaten their demons...........so please hang on in there and keep reaching for support. I know that sometimes seems a lot easier said than done but.......
And while I've got to say.........if you're feeling like "hurting yourself" please consider contacting a helpline/crisis line (a lot of people do find them helpful), please keep talking to us too..........either add on here or make a new thread/s..........and again welcome!!

Alison