Ivan not as emotional anymore with things that bother me I hesitate opening up what's wrong because of being always used to being scorned and told off if I don't feel anything else but happy. I was a rape victim for 6 years I'm white and where I grew up was in the sticks, but it was a heavily drug area. I grew up my whole life being publicly humiliated for being a victim because my perpetrators parents lied to cover his story and made me look like the bad guy and I was 6 years old at the time and it started repeatedly from I was 3 till I was 6. Then from other people. I'm not going to explain everything else because I've covered it before.

When someone is nice or likes me. I usually deflect all the time taking it personally and fake the best I can showing I'm grateful and happy but I won't make my emotions known to scare people away.

I'm just always skeptical. Ik like you said bot trusting someone a 100%. Well what bothers me. I don't want my mom to die because she's the very last normalcy I have left.

I really am alone. I really never had friends now that stayed with me. Ik many drift apart, but it feels I never had a chance for anything fulfilling. It felt so empty now how every kind of relationship I've had for over 10 years to 2 years all fell apart. Like I was second bff or the side friend not someone they mainly wanted to see. It's really enforced the fact. No matter how many friends I have it's never going to make things better. I just am convinced years and years people only want something from me and I'm not as important because I don't have or want to give something. My presence isn't enough my parents always pushed me away and it felt mt whole life I'm not ever good enough.

****. Many days I'd rather like today what I do is ignore everyone. I'm a very likable person from other people's opinions usually, but in my head I'm only doing that to distance others. I am more distant than most people ik.