Moments after I called my T to cancel our last session, I heard a little pop and the all too familiar flapflapflap of a newly flat tire rotating rapidly. (Second one this week!) But the other side this time, and upon inspection, no apparent flaws in the tire. Just flat. Tried (again) to loosen the bolts myself, again I wasn't strong enough. And it's so hot out here on this miserable stretch of freeway (very near to where the other tire popped on Tuesday) and I am already feeling frustrated and lost and this flat tire and the too tight bolts and my inefficient strength are just more nails in my coffin and I feel unable to cope.

Is this a sign that I need to go to the DBT PHP to develop coping skills so a little bump in my day doesn't turn into the beginnings of a full blown meltdown like right now?

Or is it okay to cry out loud and be frustrated and want to use the crowbar that won't help me change a tire to bash in a tree instead, and to instead sit in my car and breathe and slowly compose myself?

And at the end of crying for thirty or forty minutes, help arrives (again) and a nice guy changes my tire (and politely refrains from mentioning the tears I can't stop from falling). And at this juncture I haven't given in to the wildly destructive impulses to hurt an innocent tree or hurt myself.

I want to stay in school, but this wild uncontrollable black pit of hurt I feel unravelling in my chest scares me. I'm afraid that if I stay in school I will be revealed as a fraud: I will fall apart in front of everyone's eyes, in front of Dr. A, and they will know I don't belong there, that I never belonged there. Late papers and missing classes cause hours, days of anxiety, common flat tires and missed appointments trigger emotional downward spirals. I've been catching myself quickly and climbing back up, but how long can I keep doing that before the fall is sustained and permanent?