Honestly. I feel indifferent. Like yes I am happy of the progress whatever it has been, but still since early on and all my life. I've been more ready to be dead as in I'm not happy with no matter what I have no matter if I am successful or not. It's really made a lasting impression how cruel things have been. I don't like saying this to my friends or anyone because it is too personal and difficult to go on with life given no chances forcing to make anything better, but everything has been taking all I have and it feels. I got my mom to lose and life wont feel like a working end goal. It is not an attitude thing I assure you I am very positive. I just deep down been so hurt I really want nothing more to move on.
It's a unique type of loneliness and forced upon isolation you feel crippled to connect to anyone. It's more like I know once I get to most likely 20 more years. It's not a good place no matter how much money success friends I'll have. I didn't get what I needed it's not a matter of letting this yearning go. It's surviving long enough to one day get it, but ik when it's time. I'll be not letting anyone know when I do end my life.

It's stuck with me for so long. I wish I will get what I deserved if not in that time I will not live my aging self to anymore years of this. I will choose to die in peace where I feel the happiest and keep it quiet. Go out like I came in.
It's a great question because I font plan on it anytime soon, but I crave it just to cling on hope I will have what I missed or not feel or experience anything.

Idk what the future holds, but for these 18 years of suffering and soon 22 years of my life you don't want more than a hug someone to hear you the world to know the atrocities to make a change, because I currently and still lack the means to change the world positively.

Never more I want more is to be 4 years old riding with my dad in his old truck through the woods and watch anime and cling on to my mom my grandma and living everything like this nightmare never happened.

It's not just ptsd depression psychosis whatever you give me. No treatment or anything from myself has changed the fact. I am not a victim just being not given anything I needed when needed. It's always been like that and it will continue that's how this world is. You have to experience to know. One day I used to hope people see and give me nothing but love, but that day feels like a dream that one moment is unnoticed and always I can't tell you how many days I wished. I could relive the first 4 years of my life and cling on to everyone I've lost.

I don't have a family, and my friends have not felt friendly. Rather it's like I've been a victim to a lie that my life has been and I'm wanting to see how far this train wreck goes. Being beaten and expected to take it feeling like no one will help you. I had been who I am since ever. Nothing has relieved me. I can't express how much it pains me that my mom is it. After that silence of indifferent people. When I cry or feel hurt or lonely no one will make me feel whole anymore. It's not worth it. How hard is it to explain. I didn't ask for this I choose to change things, but it's done little effort and I hold on to that feeling and when she is gone.
People assume the worst wont want anything to do with me, when people don't like sad people or loners or outcasts and I will if I have to end it.

I'm hungry more than hungry. I'm sick of being told I'm not the only one. People don't know a damn thing nothing compares. Instead of me sitting around i did from self help and going to accomplish anything good after that. I feel I don't need to grow old and reflect I'll die in peace because I don't want to experience the hell my grandma went through and having no one to be there for me.

I can say this no one can tell me I shouldn't have this like I don't deserve this. I talk about this with my therapist and they always tell me I need specialized help. Not hospitals none of that something anything that will heal the parts easier instead of me doing all the work with no fruition and it's like I'm dying slowly everytime I turn a year older.

Please I wish people knew. I wanted to give people what I never could achieve and I wish I could have my mom when I die I want her here with me. I never feel safe like they weren't around when I needed them and please I only wished I was loved what I needed.

Sorry. I hope this helps.