When I go to writing I go blank...anyways, the last couple of nights I have resorted to alcohol to numb me. I LOVE to feel numb, to not have any emotion, or to not be consumed with thoughts, or even to be brutally honest. I also harm myself, hit, choke sometimes burn myself..I like the pain and I feel so much better after. It's impulse anger that I get and that's how I release it. Now, I don't really have any friends, but the ones I try and associate with..I hate them! They can't even give me the time of day, they use me, probably talk behind my back. So I say **** them, and I wish the worst upon them. I hope that they go through hell and come running to me for help so I can just avoid them like they do me. However that's not the case I act completely fine and do whatever it is that we decide just because I can't be alone. I don't know if I go through a daily struggle, or if it's all in my head, but I can't be alone. Same thing goes with my counselor..I hate her because I don't want to need her. It's all pity I think..I'm buying her to act as if she cares. She sees several people a day, all week. She can't care. I don't want to feel she's my friend either because I can't be dependent. I really want to die...I really just want to lock myself in a room and stay there, no background noise. I want to be alone and I want to be able to cope..I don't want to feel like I need someone.