I'm not trying to be mean, I swear! I totally understand that you're in a lot of pain right now. But it seems like you're self-destructing and that is actually causing a lot of your anxiety. I mean, you're putting yourself in a situation where you feel you will be abandoned. Are you unconsciously trying to reenact the past? Maybe you're trying to push your T away before she can push you away?

I'm saying this only because I have done that. Even now, I'm fighting against the feeling of pushing my T away. Now, my T has caused a major rupture btwn us. According to you, your T has done nothing.

I really think you need to calm down and realize that you are okay. You're hurting, but your life is not falling apart. You maybe feel like it is, but you are still here. You are reaching out here on PC, to your church mentor, you went to the hospital, you are still working (even if you're struggling). You are surviving the loss of ex-T.

Please please be open and honest with your T. If she doesn't know what's going on then maybe she might refer you to a higher level of care (if there is such since she works in the hospital).

And the meds don't seem to be helping enough. Maybe there's something you can take while you're struggling. My Pdoc prescribes me Ativan and Clonazepam for when I'm in a distressed state. They are just PRNs, so I don't take them when I'm doing well. And that's a good thing because the more often you take them, the more of a resistance you build up.