My Support Forums - View Single Post - girlfriend with history of abuse, need help

JJ2718 · 09:29 PM

This is my first post here. I really would like some advice and support.

I will try to be brief. I have been in a relationship with, I believe, a good woman now for two years. I have to decide if I should continue or not, to become engaged and married or not. During the first year of our relationship, in retrospect I realize that she was abusive - I will explain below. After that year, I ended the relationship briefly. At that point, she began to see a therapist and since then, her behavior has really changed. But I can't bring myself to commit to marry her in spite of this. I continue to think about what happened in the past, and I am afraid that she will revert to the way she was. I do not want to waste both of our time, at the same time I do not want to miss out on a happy future with her. I also fear that down the road, she will go back to who she was.

My history...I'm mid thirties. I have a great job that I really like, and pays well. I have a spectacular loving family that I love. I grew up in a lower middle class neighborhood with little money but abundant love and community. My parents have a good marriage. They are kind people. Whatever I choose to do, they will be supportive. They never once hit me, never even really yelled at me, nor did they need to. They have always spoke well of each other. They rarely argued, and violence was unheard of. I have a large extended family and they are the same, everyone gets along with each other. I've dated a lot in the past, had enough relationships such that I do think I know the kind of person I want to marry. She likes my family.

Her history...a few years younger than me. She has a great job too, and she likes it enough I think, she is attractive, smart, organized. Her family situation however is very difficult. She is barely on speaking terms with her father and brother. She has a strained (at best) relationship with her mother. To my knowledge, she has never told her family that she loves them, nor have they told her, I think maybe ever. Her parents, both professionals and well educated, are divorced. Prior to their divorce, they were violent with each other. They also frequently cursed at each other, strong expletives constantly, constantly telling the other that they are worthless. I am frankly somewhat surprised they are both alive and well at this time, knowing what I know now about their past. It's possible that her parents hit her, I don't know for sure, I suspect yes. They certainly emotionally abused her. They continue to speak poorly of her, which is why she rarely interacts with them now. None of this did I know when I met her, and I did not know most of these details until a few months ago. She is certainly affected by all this and I know this haunts her, understandably so. Her parents know me, and they at least seem to like me. But knowing her parents, I would not have guessed at their history, they act pretty normal around me. She has also told me that some prior relationships of hers were abusive.

Our history...we began dating two years ago. It started out well. We have common interests. We get along so well on a day-to-day basis, and still do. We fell in love. We spent a lot of time together, we still do. After several months of dating, I thought maybe I could even marry her. About six months into the relationship, I noticed some things however, her anger, it was way out of proportion. She would perceive things that were hardly noticeable to me, and react with screaming tantrums, often aimed at me. There were probably about five episodes of great significance. Without going into detail, she would say I was garbage, tell me that I am the cause of all her problems, tell me that I did not deserve someone of her level, tell me that before I met her I was nothing, that I should fear that she will leave me at any moment, in addition to screaming expletives at me that I will not post here. Each time, she would later apologize afterwards, tell me that our love was strong, and tell me that we were meant for each other. I felt that I believed her. There were times when her anger was demonstrated quite publicly, although most times it was at least in private. At one point, she became violent, pushing, hitting, and breaking things. She then told me that I was at fault. This was terrifying. I had no idea what to do. I just wanted to get out, fast, and forever, I literally tried to just run. After that, she apologized once again, only to tell me she was ending it with me a few days later. Honestly, my first reaction was relief. When things calmed down, she begged me to try to continue to be with her, that I could not abandon her like everyone else does. She literally begged, she seemed sincere, I really felt sorry for her. It was really about sympathy at that point although I still loved her. But I told her that how she acted was just too much for me, that I could not be in this anymore. At that point, she said she would go and see a therapist. She asked if I would at least give her another chance if she did that, and I did. Then, very fast, her behavior started to change.

Over the next several months, I think she actually did change. She has no longer been so angry, upset, unstable. She has not even remotely been violent or aggressive. I’ve also seen her therapist, and the therapist also thinks she has changed, too. We have spent a lot of time together in the past several months and the times have been good. The time has come now where I need to make a decision. I love her, but lingering doubts as to if she will ever become again who she was before prevent me from committing to this. I really just want to have a stable family life like the one I came from. I think this is also her desire. I do not blame her for actions in the past, in retrospect, she was only acting how she was taught (I did not know her parents history until recently after seeing the therapist. I suspect many things however, she will still never tell me). She says she wants to marry me and have a family and I believe her. Is it really possible for someone to change this drastically in less than a year? I trust that she is now acting like the person she wants to be, but I can’t say that I fully trust that she will be able to remain so in the future. I just want both of us to be happy. The thing is, for the most part, even when she was so angry, most days were really nice. Sorry for the long post.