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Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel
I'm not trying to be mean, I swear! I totally understand that you're in a lot of pain right now. But it seems like you're self-destructing and that is actually causing a lot of your anxiety. I mean, you're putting yourself in a situation where you feel you will be abandoned. Are you unconsciously trying to reenact the past? Maybe you're trying to push your T away before she can push you away?
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I am, I feel really uncomfortable needing help so badly right now and it scares me. Because if something happened again to show how little I'm worth, I don't think I could survive this time. I'm absolutely terrified. I also don't like that I feel as comfortable and safe with her as I do. I was hoping I wouldn't really like her.
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I'm saying this only because I have done that. Even now, I'm fighting against the feeling of pushing my T away. Now, my T has caused a major rupture btwn us. According to you, your T has done nothing.
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That's the problem, she is really awesome. This makes me nervous. I swore I wouldn't trust another one but I can't help but trust her. It makes me really scared.
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Please please be open and honest with your T. If she doesn't know what's going on then maybe she might refer you to a higher level of care (if there is such since she works in the hospital).
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We are actually in the process of adding more support. The social worker was supposed to be meeting up with me by now, but it's taking awhile. I don't really want to see the social worker and inpatient is horrible here. But in terms of therapy she pretty much IS the highest level of care. She just wants me to have more support right now. I don't know, I feel like screaming and running.
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And the meds don't seem to be helping enough. Maybe there's something you can take while you're struggling. My Pdoc prescribes me Ativan and Clonazepam for when I'm in a distressed state. They are just PRNs, so I don't take them when I'm doing well. And that's a good thing because the more often you take them, the more of a resistance you build up.
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When I feel like this, benzos like that are the only thing that help. My psychiatrist won't prescribe them. Neither would my other one. Clonazepam makes me feel almost like a normal person. I wish they would.
I'm going to be honest with her about how scared I am, I am going to tell her about exT on Tuesday as well. I'm going to tell her i'm afraid of being abandoned when I can't handle life.
Thanks for listening