I wouldn't call this anxiety but more of a phobia.

I'm afraid of showing anything that I consider a "weakness" in public. I avoid showing emotions (especially sadness), looking stupid or incompetent, telling others what I think, or engaging people in small talk because I suck at it.

I'm not afraid of people in general and can be very confident when I have the advantage, but if I don't, I keep my defenses up.

I always have my guard up in public or when being forced to socialize with strangers. I'm often rude to people or make myself appear aggressive even going to the extreme of wearing intimidating black "metalhead" or "biker" clothes just to protect myself and I always wear sunglasses or tinted glasses so people can't look into my eyes and see any signs of anything that they can exploit to their advantage.

The way I see it is it's better to be feared than pitied because if somebody is afraid of you, they won't hurt you and exploit your weaknesses to their advantage whereas if you show weakness, then you might as well have a big red target over your head because others will be in line to hurt you somehow.

Underneath the mask though, I'm a fragile generally kind person. I'm just afraid to show kindness to those who I don't know because kindness can be exploited as well.

If I have to socialize with somebody important, I find myself researching their weaknesses and learning about their personality before I engage them so I can have the advantage. When dealing with powerful people who you need to get ahead either career or business wise, I see showing any form of weakness or incompetence to them as the worst thing you can possibly do.

Finally, when I'm at the store, I always have my guard up and I'm always on the lookout which makes it hard for me to keep focus on my budget and often causes me to make mistakes. Normally, I'm good at math, but I spend most of my energy keeping my defenses up which makes it difficult for me.

Anybody else have any similar issues here?