Poor gostryter!!!

That all sounds so painful!

I don't think you are sick or disgusting. I think you are hurt and don't know how to help yourself heal. And you're turning all your anger on yourself -- I feel so sad for you. Do you have anyone who can help you? Do you have a therapist? They hear all kinds of stuff and can help you with this. Please try to take care of yourself. Talking is so helpful.

Sidony