Ok, it seems two weeks under high relationship type stress is my limit for "staying safe." Finally day before yesterday I went for a walk out at Snake Lake, an activity which ususally calms me down. I just couldn't quiet my mind, I got more and more worked up. When I got back to the car I went scrounging in the glove box for a sharp object of any kind. Came up with a pocketknife. Also came up with a large baggy of bandaids so was able to administer first aid right away as well. Right there in the parking lot. Did it again in the parking lot at work before going in. You know what makes me really mad. I spent over an hour the night before putting on a super cool henna design on my arm. it is a curving vine that starts at my left elbow on the outside of my arm and ends with a flower on the inside of my wrist. It is so neat and now I can't show it off because I am so darn busy hiding my stupid cuts. Grrr.

My husband wasn't talking to me. I can't stand it when he isn't talking to me. And you know what, he wasn't talking to me because he was working hours opposite from me so he would get home late after I went to bed and I would leave early before he was really up and around. AND work has really sucked for him so he was tired and just feeling like garbage. So it wasn't even that it was over this darn financial tiff that we are going to see me therapist about but just a time constraint. ARGH!!!

Only one more week until our appointment with my therapist where she is going to help me with his gambling thing. One long long week of waiting. Scared to death. Yes I am, scared spitless. I trust her to keep me safe. I told her I was scared if I confronted this thing, you know, brought it out into the open, then I would have to do something about it. I mean how can I not do anything about it? But she said she wouldn't let me do anything about it until she was sure that I was sure that what I chose to do was the right thing that kept me safe and help me to be well...even if that action is no action at all. Now isn't that a strange thought? After being told so long that I should do this and do that to be better she is telling me that it might be that I won't be able to do anything all and still be safe and well. She even said that I have lived with my husband's behavior for this long I can live with it for another 6 months or 3 years if that is what it takes to make sure the my next step leaves me safe and well. huh. How about that? And still I am scared to death. What if he gets pissy and doesn't talk to me for real. I cut myself 3 times because he was working wrong hours and having a bad day. What if he really doesn't want to talk to me?
Carrie