Hey Parva,

Thanks for sharing.

First off I want you to do something. The fact that you are having these feelings and still bring yourself to see your therapist is a big victory on your part. It is absolutely mind boggling how painful this can be when you need help, bring yourself to a therapist and constantly suffer from feelings of potential abandonment and mistrust... It is torture. I've been there and I can empathize greatly for your continued strength and courage. Be proud of yourself - essentially you are battling your worst fears and you have no reason to feel ashamed for feeling the way you do. You have been wounded in the past and you have every right to feel the way you do. You are entitled to your emotions. Your emotions exist for a reason and anyone who takes that away should shut it. Good on you for battling your fears. Just remember that even though emotions are extremely important for our survival and are excellent indicators for what is going on inside of us - they are not always based on fact. For instance: anxiety that someone is going to leave us when they have no intentions whatsoever in leaving us. Might seem real to us (and it is real to us) but in actuality, it holds very little, if any bearing on FACT. In time, perhaps you will gain skills and insight into challenging your distressing thoughts and emotions... If only that wasn't one of the hardest things to do...

I am curious how long you have seen your therapist? Have you been seeing her for quite some time? When did these fears first arise? Did it take a long time to become attached or was it quick? Do you feel like you are getting even more attached to her despite these fears?

Take it one day at a time. Try to be mindful of your fears and anxieties and triggers. Be honest with her about everything and take it slow. I know for myself - when I feel so overwhelmed with attachment and I finally open up and let the floodgates open - I share too much too soon - and I become too attached to my therapist and I dread time away from her... Once it gets to that point I am basically incapacitated.

I once told my brother about my intense attachment issues and transference in therapy and he joked: "just don't get so attached to your therapist." I laughed and responded, "it doesn't work that way."

I would never take responsibility for my attachment issues in therapy - but I know that with practice - I can recognize my triggers and desire to open up my heart 110% - and instead - take it slow, one piece at a time... If we can learn to identify our patterns and triggers we can discover that there are indeed forks in the road (which mean we can choose). If we can learn to choose what is best for ourselves - then the whole process of opening up and maintaining trust and confidence in the attachment becomes much more tolerable. That way we remain (at least partly) in control, and we do not relinquish control to someone else who we have no control over.

If there is any advice that I can offer you at this time: it is to take it slow. When you have that urge to unleash all of your pain and agony all at once - remember that the more you share - odds are - the more you will become attached and the more you will fear losing your therapist. If you can learn to share in moderation and in a paced, consistent manner - you don't risk oversharing and becoming overly insecure in the attachment...

I hope this makes sense.

Thanks,
HD