Pugs and Hugs,

Thanks for sharing your story.

You are a very strong individual. Can you please post back and let us know how you are doing? We really do care about you and your struggles and we want to help. Please let us know that you are okay.

As far as the circumstances that you went through - I was hoping to ask some more questions if you don't mind...

How are you in terms of safety?
Are you able to access resources if you need some extra support?
Do you have a group of trustworthy friends or family you can lean on?
Are you acting on urges to contact this guy?
Are you keeping busy?
Did you share anything with your boyfriend about your PTSD prior to this incident?

I personally avoid intimate relationships like the plague for many reasons (some similar to yours I imagine) so unfortunately, I cannot draw from personal experience in that realm... For that I apologize.

However, I have lost a therapist, without warning - and without cause. It was by far the most painful feeling I've ever had. I trusted her and I loved her. It took me several months to let go and forgive. Eventually I was able to go a day without her on my mind. That sudden loss like you have alluded to - it's absolutely terrifying. If you feel like the pain will never end or that you cannot get the relationship or the person off your mind - just know that it does go away. Please hold on tight. You are so very valuable and so very important and what you have gone through is hands down one of the worst things anyone can go through.

What I say below may seem invalidating.

Try and look at what you are going through right now as the normal response to a very traumatic situation. Try not to single yourself out as unique in your suffering. Look at it like the ugly half of relationships. It sucks. Everyone hates it. All relationships are a package deal for pleasure and pain. The idea being that we should strive to promote pleasure and prevent pain. Unfortunately right now you are going through the pain... And unfortunately, given your past experience(s) - you are at a disadvantage with how much of an impact it can have on you... But you are clearly very strong and you are not alone. In time things will get much easier.

It sounds like your boyfriend did not have the ability (at the time) to empathize and understand what happened. However, just because he cannot understand does not mean he does not care.

What I know is that I relate to your experience fully. It is hell. You are in hell right now. Your boyfriend rightfully (SHOULD) have stayed and given you the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately he didn't. We could go on and on and rationalize about how horrible a person he is, and how he did it maliciously (which he MAY have in fact done), but I would like to think that he made his decision based on what he knows and understands. Clearly he knows nothing about PTSD or about emotional triggers / flashbacks. With some education he may have been able to read between the lines and understand things more accurately - but he didn't at the time. As hard as it is to see it this way - try to look at it like this - it is more than likely a more accurate reason for his leaving and it will be far less painful to accept.

It is torture when someone abandons you and does not allow you to reconcile or get closure... It is a natural response for you to try and get it. Be kind to yourself in your struggles and try your best to do what is best for you. In saying this - take some time and really explore what is best for you. Although it may seem like you need closure - perhaps the best thing you can do is recognize that he is simply incapable of understanding what you went through and so anything you do and say will be seen through a twisted filter of arrogance and bias. It is, in my opinion, better for you to separate yourself from this guy altogether (at least) long enough so you can gain some perspective and gain some self respect. If you continue to call him you will in fact give him the power to hurt you further. I know this may not seem true right now, but I know others will agree that the best thing you can do is look after yourself. Think about you. Not about him. (VERY hard to do but will become easier as time passes and you heal)

What I have learned in my life is that people teach us valuable lessons. (I know this isn't the time to say this, but...) It sounds to me like you did nothing outwardly wrong. You are who you are and there's very little you can do to control it. Do not beat yourself up about this. It is not your fault. It is something that unfortunately took place and you did nothing to deserve it. You are a victim. You did the best you could. That is all you can do.

The blessing in disguise here is that you are capable of tolerating the distress. I know you say you feel you cannot handle it - but you are still alive and kicking. Imagine if you had been married to this person and he did this? Imagine how much worse it could have been? Maybe it's a good thing this happened before things got really serious in the relationship.

Please take care of yourself,
I hope I didn't offend you,

Thanks,
HD