Dear T

I'm feeling misarable. What's new. I had to think about you. And then I automatically think about your life. I don't know much about you, just a few things you've told me, and what I found on Facebook/google. When you were my age, just a few years ago, you already had a job, a boyfriend, you were living together with him. How different from me. I hate how my life went. I wasn't supposed to go like this. Why didn't anyone helped me sooner. I was 15. I didn't know what was wrong with me. And every adult just kind of ignored me. My parents sort of tried to help me. They send me to therapy. But only when I stopped going to school. They waited until the very last, until my problems couldn't be ignored anymore. And then bad T's..etc
I know I shouldn't think about that so much. It has happened. It can't be changed. But it's so hard. My life, I'm so useless. I know I'm responsible now for what ever I do. But it's so hard to change and to think differently after it has been like this for so many years. I should have got good help when I was younger. I feel it's too late.

I don't know what to do. I know what I want to do. But I can't. Should I just keep suffering? I hate myself so much. I envy you so much. I'm hurting. I feel so alone. I don't think it can get better for me. You think it's possible. Or at least you think can't say that without trying everything there's to try.
I'm afraid to tell you these feelings. I think that you might think I'm doing a little bit better. I don't think I am. These new meds make me feel less bad. My bad feelings are less intense. I don't cry that easily anymore. Maybe because I haven't cried in therapy for a while, you see that as a good sign. But I don't know about that...

Should I tell you that? Should I tell pdoc? I don't like to talk about that. It's so... I don't know.