Quote:
Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki
You know, I ultimately terminated because I could not take the severe, intense, constant (throw in some more extreme abjectives) longing for my therapist to give me..... the elusive something.
After over 5 years of 3-4/week sessions, I knew she had genuine love for me. I felt it.
It wasn't enough. I don't know what would have been enough.
I just knew I could not take it anymore. No mas.
Want to know something else? In all that time, we never touched. Not even a handshake.
Months and months, I BEGGED her to hold my hand. Not even a hug. Just hold my f'in hand.
Nope.
After 6 months of not seeing her, the longing was gone.
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I've learned that the longing is really a fear of abandonment. The weird thing is I don't long for her right now. I'm really ok. Yes, I have tears every once in awhile but it's more that my mom made me this way and caused me to lose this relationship. But, maybe it would have been a bad match anyway because she's stubborn, likes to be right, direct, not validating, etc. Maybe even without the transference, I would have struggled to talk.
I do know that if I feel this way (no longing, just really ok) in 6 weeks then I think I'm ending therapy indefinitely. I feel the most normal I've felt in a really long time. I like this. I know my issues to work on and maybe I can do some of it myself.