I'm new here...I kind of floated in as a result of realizing I've slipped back into depression. I've struggled with self image problems for a long time, and recent events, and recent heartaches, have made it worse. It's affecting everything, and now my new marriage is getting wrapped up in it.

I lost a best friend in a tragic accident just a few months before my wedding. He would have been there, and that was bad enough. I'm still not over it, nor do I expect to be any time soon.

My husband has been my rock through so much. It takes a long time to build my complete trust in a relationship, and he had it.

One thing I've never been comfortable with is strip clubs. I actually used to bartend at one (not dance), and I've seen what goes on at some bachelor parties. Let's just say I wasn't very sold on the idea of them after that.

Here's where it gets complicated.

My husband's brother was his best man. His brother, for a long time, was a very close friend of mine; distance, and seperate lives, kind of eroded that a little...as did his change in personality. He put up this front of being a lady's man, and constantly gives off this pompous attitude that I just can't tolerate. Underneath it all, he's a dork. That's a GOOD thing. He was a sweet, caring guy who wasn't the most popular in high school, but he was sincere. He did the extreme personality makeover in college, and that was the end of the sweet guy.

Before the wedding, I had numerous panic episodes about the bachelor party. I thought I made my stance clear to both the best man and my husband. Then, he came home after his bachelor party weekend of gambling, and I find out he had lap dances...something that the best man promised me wouldn't happen. (Note: I didn't make my husband promise; I guess I made a mistake in "assuming" he'd known my stance on the issue from many, many previous conversations.) I value that he told me the truth...but it still felt like double betrayal. My husband didn't realize how much it'd hurt me, but now realizes his error and is trying very hard to fix it; his brother, not so much. He sent an email apology, which I abruptly tore apart online. At the wedding a month later, I could understand him not wanting to broach the topic, but here we are, and still nothing. He even told some of the bridesmaids he'd do it "all over again, it's his brother." What about my friendship? My feelings?

I haven't even been able to bring myself to have a real intimate relationship with my husband since--and we had a healthy sex life prior. I've tried to initiate things, but it doesn't get very far before I have to stop him--I feel like I'm being assaulted. I've given up. I picture him getting a lap dance, and I want to vomit. I just fluctuate between rage, depression, and self-disgust. I look at past acts I've done with him and suddenly see them in a negative light, when they were something done out of love, in a healthy relationship. I can't stand being naked, save to shower, and I can't cope with him seeing me or me seeing him in that state. This is a guy who I've lived with and used to leave the bathroom door open to, no matter what I was doing.

Since returning to "normal" life--all wedding stuff out of the way--my feelings are just overwhelming. I want this marriage to work, we've known each other and been together many years before we made this commitment--but I can't get past it right now. I know many guys have done worse, but it's something that makes me now feel less special and significant. I've been assured that I am prettier than those girls, but so what? It doesn't change the fact that other naked girls were on his lap.

Between losing my friend, losing yet another friend through this, and my hurt feelings in general, everything just feels so heavy. So many people have an attitude of "it's just a bachelor party, no big deal," but it IS a big deal to me. People knew this. Then, there was my bachelorette party. Mine was going to be tame--going out to bars with some good friends (girls and guys), NO strip clubs (I think male strip clubs are ridiculous; I have no issue with female strip clubs, but I DO have an issue with physical contact)...and let's just say all my emotions wrapped up in this + vodka I decided to drink = me crying in a bathroom hysterically. It ruined everything I'd looked forward to.

It's still ruining things. I want it to stop.

Anyone ever feel like this? I'm not usually a jealous girl...but this overstepped some major boundaries for me. It is highlighting issues I've managed to keep in check for YEARS. I don't want to look in mirrors. I've been losing my appetite and have gone back to punching walls...I used to punch walls until my knuckles bruised/bled...and now I'm finding comfort there again when the rage comes...ugh. I'm so confused about how I feel about me, my life, my husband, everything...