First of all ((((((HUG))))))

I'm really sorry that you are having such a hard time :-( It sounds like you are on a precipice and I'm wondering if you see anyone? Do you have a doctor and are you being treated? Are you diagnosed and getting the medical support you need? I'm assuming that you are either diagnosed BP or suspect that you are...

It sounds like your illness is running your life and I get the feeling that there is some urgency for you to get help before it comes crashing down.

"You would think that would be enough to stop me, but I just keep stepping further over that line."

If it were that easy for us to control our behaviour/moods we wouldn't be here. From what I've read here, most of us engage in behaviour that we don't feel in control of when we are ill or episodic. That's when it's important to get professional help. This is a real illness... a medical issue that needs medical attention.

I hope you get the help you need and please keep us posted about how you are doing.