Quote:
Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom
First of all ((((((HUG))))))
I'm really sorry that you are having such a hard time :-( It sounds like you are on a precipice and I'm wondering if you see anyone? Do you have a doctor and are you being treated? Are you diagnosed and getting the medical support you need? I'm assuming that you are either diagnosed BP or suspect that you are...
It sounds like your illness is running your life and I get the feeling that there is some urgency for you to get help before it comes crashing down.
"You would think that would be enough to stop me, but I just keep stepping further over that line."
If it were that easy for us to control our behaviour/moods we wouldn't be here. From what I've read here, most of us engage in behaviour that we don't feel in control of when we are ill or episodic. That's when it's important to get professional help. This is a real illness... a medical issue that needs medical attention.
I hope you get the help you need and please keep us posted about how you are doing.
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I do have a doctor who I see regularly. Unfortunately, her solution is to continuously up my meds. I feel I need to get to the root of why I act this way.
My therapist was good. My willingness to share this information is dwindling. I am beyond embarrassed. He has already helped me in the past to overcome indiscretions that I have obsessed over. It is too embarrassing to say I have done it again! The guilt is too much. He has advised me NOT to disclose these indiscretions to my husband as they would only hurt him and not be productive. I agree but Keeping secrets is hard and I fear I am standing on a ledge. My husband does know about two minor indiscretions, but not the most recent two. I also should clarify that of the 4 only 2 involved intercourse, the other two might as well have, but didn't. Only 1 has been a stranger. The others were friends or acquaintances. All have been married men which only heightens the shame.
I just finished reading a novel, Hausfrau, in which the main character is a married woman with three children who suffers from depression. She deals with her depression by having affairs with men she meets. The books hit way too close to home. I kept reading because I so badly wanted to see how it would end for her. How she would overcome the secrets and the lies and the shame. Of course it was not a pleasing ending. I really just desperately do not want my story to end the same way. Do I come clean? Do I keep trudging along?