I relate to this so much and I feel for you. I was actually about to write a post about this very topic. Coming from a place of recently achieved stability, I feel so much shame and embarrassment about my past actions and decisions. Looking back I can't believe how out of control I was. I am now doing well after finding a med combination that is really working well for me. I can only pray I maintain this stability.

I'd say the first thing to do is to start being honest about what is going on even if it's really scary. You have to come to terms with this to move forward. I told my current fiance about an in depth affair that I had. I was honest with him and he has forgiven me. He knows it is an aspect of my illness. There are other things I have spared him with but that I have talked about extensively in therapy.

I still feel a lot of shame about the things I've done but I just need to give myself time to fully process it. Time will heal things if you're able to get a hold on this. Reach out for help in any way that you can.