I’m “freaking out” a bit here. Anxiety “me” is having a “free-for-all” inside my head over this and I don’t know what to do or where to turn.
On one hand I know I should just take things one breath at a time and let things just be, but I can’t. I feel like I’m on the verge of…I don’t know…panic?
I have the HARDEST time identifying feelings. I have a strong vocabulary EXCEPT when it comes to my feelings. Then I have nothing but a blank.
OK. Sorry, back to why my anxiety is kicking into full gear. I recently (past 3 to 4 weeks) started getting into meditation (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) as a way to deal with the BS and stresses at work (and the whole of my life too). I’m reading “Full Catastrophe Living” and doing the guided meditations on the CD’s. I like it. I think it’s helping a little. I want to learn more and I think it would be beneficial for me to attend a class and /or a retreat. So, I went online and found a group that practices this very method (the teacher of this group trained and worked with Jon Kabat-Zinn). They have week day meetings, weekend meetings, have classes, and host retreats.
I was kind of excited about this possibility and mentioned it to my T, who got me reading the book in the first place. Turns out, T, is involved with this group. She goes to the one of their weekly meetings on weekday mornings. I couldn’t go during the day during the week since I have to work, but I would go on the weekend. I definitely would NOT go on the day she goes. But…AAAAHHHHH! I don’t want to invade her personal time or space!!! Oh man! What if I run into her?!?!
Ugh! This is eating at me.
We did talk about it briefly in session. If we do happen to run into each other in the “outside” world, she would not acknowledge me. If I say something first, she will respond. So that way, it’s up to me, and she doesn’t break any privacy laws or issues.
Okay. That works for me. But here’s my problem; I don’t want to be seen. I’m so paranoid about my weight and how I look that I don’t want anyone to see me. I think that people I know will “observe” me from wherever they are, laugh at what a fool I am, and I won’t know it. It’s that type of thinking that prevents me from shopping at the mall, walking around the business park at lunch time, walking the dog around the neighborhood, etc. I “know” she won’t laugh at me, but I can’t help the “feeling” in my stomach.
In spite of my nerves and my stomach being all wound up tight, I did manage to send an email to the group with a bunch of questions to hopefully calm my fears. I asked about a class coming up for beginners, but I haven’t heard back yet.
I emailed T to let her know that I was inquiring about the class and how I felt about invading “her space”. Her response was “no worries- we are all students.” Then she said we would talk more about it later.
I’m really trying to just take it as it is, but my fears are so damn ingrained in my head! And it sounds like a broken record! Aaarrrggghhh!!!
On top of that, I just afraid of going to a new place with new people and new things. Scared. To. Death.
Yet I KNOW that it’s something that will help me and be good for me.
I’m a bundle of nerves right now. I want to cry, but I don’t know what I’m crying about. Normally, I would just say “screw it” and give up, but I’m really trying hard not to do that this time. Really.

I guess this got kinda long...SORRY!