i'm back again. things have been a struggle lately. i've had some manic phases, the last of which has swung into depression. i keep thinking it's okay to go off my meds. (though i wound up only skipping one dose, thankfully). i keep having run-ins with my hallucination/demon, and not even thinking to take my emergency meds to make him go away. i actually consider the things he says.

i have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. we're working on getting lamictal up to the right levels. but i'm taking saphris in the meantime, and it's not working on stabilizing my moods very well. i'm also on welbutrin and zoloft for the depression, and risperdal for the psychosis.

i don't know what i'm writing for, really. i'm just... so tired. the world is grey and i feel nothing but a weary, dark sort of boredom. i want to not exist. (i'm not going to off myself). nothing holds any attraction to me. i'm getting irritable with my kids, and that's not fair to them. my husband is worried about me. i don't know how to make it all better.

i thought, for a while, that i would be able to work. i was doing pretty good. it's debatable whether i was truly well enough for steady employment, but i was feeling great for a while. maybe that was mania. now that things are going bad again... i'm realizing that maybe it's just a pipe dream for me. which is is, in itself, depressing. i don't want to be on disability. but my family either needs the income from that, or me to have a steady job. which it doesn't appear i am capable of.

urgh.

anyway... thank you for listening. take care...