I have read a book by Windy Dryden on guilt. The problem is that the examples he gives of his fictitious patients feeling guilt are things like seeing a spouse's parents instead of one's own because they need assistance more.

But what about when the guilt sufferer HAS done something objectively wrong and/or bad? I have done things like this due to low self-esteem, poor impulse control and depression and the guilt is with me all day, every day. I feel compelled to go over exactly what I was thinking and feeling at those times, to see if there is any saving grace that makes what I did 'less bad'. This is compounded by a type of OCD I have (diagnosed) where I feel compelled to remember events exactly as they are and how I felt.

I have tried mindfulness but I can't find help about what to do when the thoughts and feelings I am having are telling me that I am rotten. I also don't like how I have been with 2 very dear family members who died recently. Snappy, irritable, uncooperative. I always wante4d to get better so I could show these people how much I love them. Now I have no chance to do so.

I hate everything I have been. My issues with guilt predate these deaths but if I hadn't have been so self-absorbed and had spoken to one of them (who I lived with) I would have seen that they were physically ill and they still may have been here.

I am not religious so I can't pray for forgiveness. I don't believe in any afterlife so I will never get the chance to make it up to the 2 people, either. I wish so much that I could.

I am reluctant to discuss these matters with a therapits because they will want to know the whys and wherefores of what I have done and I don't want to discuss that.

Can anyone recommend any resources that can help? How can I overcome the loss and grief on top of the guilt when I don't feel like I even deserve to be here?