Quote:
Originally Posted by coldwut
I remember the abuse, but I am so disconnected from it. It was mostly emotional abuse, and there was a period where I was sexuality from when I was about 5-7. Which, now that I think about it, is pretty young.
I think I've been having emotional flashbacks where something would remind me of my past and I would panic or feel bad. Unfortunately it sometimes happened during work, but I quit so I won't have to worry about that.
I don't lose time, at least I think I don't. I am generally aware of the others, and I have the most control. I've been sort of aware of them but I've tried to ignore it because I'm worried I might be faking it.
I have some money but I'm going back to school and I was not to get what I need for school first before I get another psychiatrist. Hopefully by next month.
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Yes, some people do remember the abuse empirically and, you're right, the flashbacks are emotional.
I'm worried I might be faking it. -- It's not that you would be faking it, it is how it feels to you. You may not necessarily be experiencing or have "alters", you may simply be compartmentalizing and consciously/mentally blocking certain experiences and they are locked into child states. When you are triggered, you may sometimes feel small like a child and feeling how you felt at the time, but it's still you -- your core self. In order to receive a DID diagnosis, a patient will have had to experience abuse so significant and so overwhelming that the mind completely blocked all those experiences out of the consciousness of the core self by "transferring" those emotions and feelings to an alter who has been assigned to deal with and keep that away from the "self". So, I venture to say, that you are not DID but perhaps C-PTSD or PTSD with dissociative features. The fact that you can ignore it also says that you are suppressing emotions and thoughts on an active level rather than those experiences being repressed. Suppression is more of a voluntary avoidant response. Repression happens naturally in the mind and not voluntarily. All I'm saying is you may find that you are dealing with something that is not as daunting, yet still difficult, as you may think
You would be wise to seek help any way you can. This kind of thing does become debilitating.
Unfortunately it sometimes happened during work, but I quit so I won't have to worry about that. You do need to worry about that. Anything that interferes with your life to this extent, needs to be addressed.
The fact that you are reaching out here tells me that you are ready to face all this and are in a "good" emotional place in order to deal with it. Make it happen.