I'd like your opinions. As most of you know, my T. mentioned referring me for the second time in 4 months due to my transference. Something triggered me which I connected to me wanting a mom. But, instead of focusing on that, she focused on the part that was triggering that involved her and someone I know seeing her. She even asked me what I want in a T.

So, I decided to "take back my life" and take a break. I had only gone to see my therapist a few times a year before my mom died and then the transference hit. I take a lot personally, have a hard time trusting, worry she's going to leave me and have had a difficult time. She's very stubborn and I'm questioning if her personality is good for me due to the transference. I think we were fine as long as feelings weren't involved. Unfortunately I can't find anyone experienced in transference but maybe I wouldn't need that if the relationship was totally different.

I have a session Monday and 2 in September. One is 3 weeks after Monday and then another 2 weeks. My original plan was to skip the next two sessions. I need to step back and get a clear picture of what is going on, what I want and what I need. I can't see what I need if I'm seeing her. I planned to text her later this week and say I can't come on Monday. I have never missed a session. Then, do it again for the next session.

I don't want to tell her my plan because I want to do this by myself. I don't want the pressure of following through. But, a small part of me thinks I need to tell her that I'm taking a break and want to cancel my next session. Why? I have a habit of pushing people away when they hurt me and I don't want her thinking that's the reason I'm cancelling. yes, I could lie but she may ask about rescheduling it and I wouldn't want to.

And, then a part of me wonders if I'm just delaying the inevitable. I'm hoping that a break calms us both down but, most importantly, I get clarity. If I can make it ok the next 7 weeks, then I won't feel like I need therapy. I'm not sure I want my break to be forced by her (referral) and then I feel like I can't make it without therapy at all. And, maybe I'll process losing her a little during this time so the actual referral won't be so painful. I haven't been as upset as I had thought. Either I've felt like things weren't right the whole time or I'm not completely processing it because it really hasn't happened.

I've put away my books and am just processing as things happen. I'm also writing in a journal to see how I do over the next several weeks.