Hi everybody,
I hope you all remember me - I'm Tom. I haven't been here much lately because my DID-related issues seem to have disappeared (denial?) - or at least I'm not aware of them as much as I used to be, because I still lose time. Maybe my other problems (mainly BPD) are "overlapping" with DID? My BPD surely hasn't improved.
But let me get back on what I was trying to say - ugh. The thing is, I'm not co-conscious anymore. My "alters" don't seem to do much stuff anymore, but my memory issues (short- and long-term amnesia, being told I've done stuff I don't recall having done... you know) are getting WORSE.
When I first realized I might have DID, I realized my "alters" were trying to help, somehow. There was this "collaboration" among the system - now I feel like I'm alone again (which is good) but I'm still losing time.
I feel like an horrible liar who made all this stuff up. I feel like it makes no sense. If I actually have DID, I'm so scared of it now - I'm so scared of other people being in my body, because I don't NOTICE them now.
Usually I was surprised by seeing tons of posts here made by my alters - none of this happens anymore. It's like they've gone away, and sometimes I switch to a blackout state of consciousness which isn't more than that - not enough to be defined as an alter.
I hope you don't hate me for being a liar, because it WAS real, but it's not anymore?
Anyway, I'll probably don't be much active in the DID forums anymore, but as I'm having tons of difficulties with BPD and probably a mood disorder (yes I still haven't had the courage to ask my parents to take me to a psychiatrist...) I'll be here.
I also seem to be becoming someone I hate - I'm getting worse and worse in a spiral of no self-control, drugs and impulsive behavior. Guess I need some help but - do I want it?
Tom