I have tried and I have forced myself to do many things I don't want to do or fear doing but I know I need to do. Recently I had to go on a business trip. When it first came up it was I don't have to go but I was invited. I made the quick decision to do it without thinking how awful it makes me feel. After I got reservations and plane tickets I felt crappy for the next 2 months leading to the business trip.

It wasn't a bad experience it just makes me very anxious and isolated. I went I did my work and I returned. I slept very little as ate even less. I hate flying and am claustrophobic. I had to repeatedly tell myself I can do it and I control it yet I was a wreck. I still am more than a week later. Since I've been back or been very depressed hence me writing my initial post. I exercise, I eat healthy lots of veggies and fruits and lean proteins. I try and follow as much nutritional balance as I possibly can.

I have an extreme fear of doctors and men. I refuse to be alone in a closed room with any man. Doctors make me literally sick. I've been to doctors all my life and am healthy. I just can't stand to be touched or looked at. I will never ever let myself be naked by doctors nor will I ever let them touch my naked body. I'd have to be on the verge of death or heavily sedated. Even then when I came to all I'd feel is violated. I've been violated too much in my life already and I refuse to allow it to happen as a choice. I'll choose death over further violation.