Sorry - very long post!

Recently my mum has been very ill. She's in hospital at the moment and so that means more contact with my family (which is essentially 2 people, my mum and my brother). I don't have a partner or any kids so at 41, I've pretty much gotten used to coping with my own situation on my own and despite bad days, get along ok.

Anyway, my peace of mind has been shattered by this (I know it shouldn't be about me as I'm not the one who's ill but but right now, at 4am after a night of broken sleep, it kind of is).

My brother has used the situation to verbally abuse my mum - when she was sick and at home he would harass her on the phone, make threats of abandoning her one minute and then be nice the next coming round and helping out while she was at home, then disappearing for weeks. He's in a helping out phase at the moment but part of me thinks he's more worried about taking care of the house she lives in than her. He puts on a front and visits her in hospital, talks to her neighbours nicely etc.

He has some childhood issues (and I should know because I do too and my parents were both far from perfect). But he's using the time she's at her weakest to start addressing them in a brutal way and I find that pretty repulsive. He's also doing what he always does and manipulating me (or trying to) through her.

Anyway, I'm angry that I keep getting dragged into this. I haven't shirked any responsibilities, I've helped out a lot, been to the house while my mum's been in hospital, mowed the lawn etc. I don't have a car at the moment but even once accompanied my mum to a hospital appointment by taxi because my brother refused to give her a clear answer of whether he could take her or not - he has a car and yet doesn't work so has all the time in the world. I don't and work full time - go figure! (he knows I don't have a car yet said he'd only take her if I couldn't - so we went in a taxi to try to save an argument and partly out of pride I guess - I hate asking for anything from him as there are ALWAYS comebacks later).

I just can't get over the way I feel about my brother. The way he's using this situation to get at me and my mum because we're both easy targets now. He has a family but I never see them. recently when he was calling the house repeatedly and trying to intimidate my mum, I called his partner to try and talk things through and he answered her phone. Cue a short conversation about how that seems like a messed up thing to do and controlling etc. Followed by him launching into a character assassination of me - saying I'm "not a man" as I don't have kids, and never will because I'm never going to meet anyone because I'm such an odd person etc (strangely these are my own inner thoughts sometimes, it's like he's preying on my own fears and using them against me). All nasty stuff. All stuff I can deal with usually but at the moment, I'm in his line of fire and can't get away. How do I cope with this and keep my sanity and not get angry?

Latest episode that almost stopped me working yesterday as got me so anxious was a pre-arranged visit to my mum's house where I was going over to check and he's there - as if he's waiting for me - gives me the silent treatment and then walks out and drives away. it was as if he knew his presence would unsettle me (it did!). It's almost starting to feel like being stalked. He has form for sending me abusive and harassing texts in the past and thankfully those have stopped (after I threatened him with the police as a last resort) but this is new. At the moment I just want to keep away from him and if my mum wasn't ill I could do that, but right now, it's inevitable I'm going to bump into him again - always just him, never him and his family - and the thought of it is making me feel sick.

I've written about this before and now it's got to the stage where it's more about how I protect myself than the rights or wrongs of the situation. I just want to live my life without feeling as if I'm being manipulated into situations I find extremely draining and damaging to my mental health. I know that's my right. It's just putting it into action while keeping the anger at bay that's the problem.

Oh and talking it through with him is a no no for now at least. The last time I talked to him he started baiting me by telling me to "get back on my medication" - he discovered I'd taken anti depressants in the past and now uses this against me when he's angry as if it's something I should be ashamed of. And at the end of the last call I had with him, he triggered a traumatic early childhood memory and then hung up the phone while I was responding to him. And that's not the only time he's done things like that, there are other examples but these latest ones are pretty bad even by his standards.