I know this feeling all too well. During most of my young adult life, I struggled and suffered needlessly at the hands of an emotionally abusive mother that I had to rely on for financial support because I was too mentally unstable to hold a regular job because of her abuse along with my bipolar. The only reason why she was supporting me in the first place is because her health was failing and she used and pushed everybody else out of her life so I'm all she had left.

Then she was diagnosed with terminal cancer which made both of our lives a living hell. She would lash out at me and drain what money that I did earn on my own and would constantly threaten me by saying things like "I'll tell my doctors that you're making my health fail and they can legally lock you up", "I'll call the police and say that you assaulted me and press charges", or "you're shortening my lifespan by being mean to me" if I didn't bend to her will and practically worship her.

It got so bad that I was strongly considering becoming a thief or a drug dealer just to get the money for the help that I needed. I was alone and had nobody and I couldn't get help because I had no insurance, no visible income, and the public mental health clinics couldn't get me a decent therapist or resources that I desperately needed. The way I figured it is if I didn't get caught I could finally be happy and healthy and if I did get caught, I would finally have a viable excuse to kill myself. The only thing that stopped me from going down that path was a relative reaching out to me after she finally died and offering to help me.

Oh and I hated everyone and would frequently wish that a major apocalypse would happen to "purge" humanity so that nature can take over. I was also a hardcore goth back in those days and would idolize death and suffering. I felt this way because I had nobody to show me love and I thought that everybody was evil and selfish.

I feel your pain man. You'll find a way to survive and thrive even if you have to do something questionable to get the help you so desperately need.