I'm an older woman now (57), but I can relate to what you're going through because I've had similar experiences and feelings about life. I know what you're feeling is excruciating and real, but it serves to move you forward in life. When I look back on the very dark moments and emotions of my life, I can see where it served to give me the strength I needed to face my future obstacles.

My life did NOT turn out as I'd planned - not in the least. I'm terminally ill now (amyloidosis) and removed from society (homebound). I never got what I wanted, and now it's too late. Oh well - as a bumper sticker once said "Man Plans, God Laughs."

I worry about the expectations, burdens, and pressure placed on kids like you these days. As hard as it was for me back then, I know it's tenfold for you.

You have a bright mind and a place in this world. Your mind, your body, your soul and your life may not be what you want but it's all you have. During times of despair, try your best to be good to yourself. Avoid causing harm to yourself or others - it's an unnecessary mess that can only lead to deeper despair and a much greater burden on your already overloaded shoulders.