I know it seems like an obvious one... I am just learning more and more about my conditions / mood / personality disorders. Apparently I am a high functioning BiPolar 2 and Borderline traits and PTSD issues. ie: I am newly diagnosed, and they are still helping me sort it out.

One thing that is odd is my self destructive and harmful behaviors. Starting as a young teen, with Bulimia, and then, carving guys names and hearts into my skin (cutting?) thinking it was cool and felt like a good pain, then smoking, drinking way too much, drug use (almost everything during rebellious teen yrs), fantasizing about cutting off / shaving my (and others) hair (and doing so sometimes), getting into fights w/ parents and jumping in bed screaming crying in my pillow thinking i wanted to die, or i would die from the mental anguish (my dad might have yelled at me over dinner or a bad grade in school)

then when in relationship, getting violent towards mostly myself, esp when fears / abandonment issues arose, can't even tell you how many times i stormed off from my ex jumped in the car, drove off, freaked out, came back. Very unstable. Fighting was always really bad (went from 0-100 soo fast), physical stuff, then a period of peace after divorce,...

Lived alone and had ED rise up again, and then I started therapy- finally. Was told I had maladaptive behavior disorder... got into another relationship with a German guy and then we moved in together... and then the fighting started, things started getting uglier and uglier and i would throw things, and act crazy, physically pound things, walls, slam doors, hit myself, smack and squeeze my own head when in this awful episode. He didn't understand. He never lived w/ a girlfriend before. and here i am older then him and acting crazy and violent. Most of the time I would leave and relax, walk and smoke. Now we moved in another place, new therapist, new diagnosis.... less fights, but much more intense. Self harm in the form of these violent freak outs throwing everything, things I love, i have bruises all over, my family has been asking me how i got them :/ ... they know nothing for the most part.

I even like pain in the bedroom.

I never though of myself as a cutter or a pain seeker or such. But now - It is becoming more clear that maybe i am.