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PinkFlamingo99 · Aug 19, 2015, 03:47 PM

Please skip for those of you who read this. This is the skimmed down version I'm going to give my new T next week:

Quote:

I started seeing K in counseling @ Gradschool about 5 years ago. In the summer, she had July and August off from work. She offered to see me at her private office as long as we kept it quiet since it was against the rules at gradschool. She also said I could call her anytime but not to tell anyone, I never did but it felt good that she offered. I felt really bad taking that much free time from but i tried to ignore it because I felt so alone. She kept telling I just needed to trust her more and that dependency is a good thing because I don't do a very good job of depending on myself. i was so scared she'd hurt me that every time I saw her I left feeling totally messed up. I think deep down it was starting to feel really unhealthy. She'd get mad that I was anxious and say it's because I didn't trust her enough.

Things started feeling like too much last year. This past August, she emailed me this (direct copy/paste):

"Now my dear, how do I convince you that I am not going to abandon you? I can’t fully promise that I won’t leave after I retire, but hey you could come with me. I probably shouldn’t say that, but I mean it."

This freaked me out because even at the time it seemed like a really weird thing to say.

At the same time, there were certain things I couldn't talk to her about and she'd threaten to leave if I talked about them or get really mad, like the self-harm. I couldn't mention it at all, especially when I started actually cutting myself again. It was like I was doing something personally to her and she'd say stuff like "well I'm obviously not helping you if you're doing that maybe you'd do better without me," then I'd just cry for an hour about how afraid I was of her being mad at me for cutting myself. So I stopped trying to talk about it. She also didn't like it if I talked about my apartment (and I basically got evicted twice while I knew her), or about church since she thought Christianity was bad. And even with I struggle to believe a lot of it, church is still really important to me.

I had seen/talked her for 5 yrs every week at least once a week or often more, except the past 2 summers when she had been away. I started to notice things changing around October or November. Her emails were more cold and less kind. Then she stopped answering them. On the phone she began to feel colder too, like she really didn't want to be talking to me anymore. The last thing I wanted was to feel like I was asking for too much. I felt like she was always mad at me or irritated to talk to me, but she wouldn't ever admit anything was different. I started wondering what the hell was wrong with me for thinking she was mad when she insisted nothing had changed.

After surgery, I was way sicker than I expected and the pee thing was really scary. I texted K (she had asked me to) and told her I had surgery and I couldn't pee, and she never answered me. I left the hospital after a few days and went to stay with my mom. Like a drugged up idiot I emailed her after a week or so and said it hurt my feelings that she didn't even email me to see how I was. She answered the message saying " if that message was meant to make me want to talk to you, it did the opposite," she also said, "what did you expect, that I would be at the hospital with you?" I was really upset because it had always been HER who insisted on the contact we had, right down to the text I sent her after surgery. She had always answered me right away before. I just got really hurt that she hadn't answered me after a week and I was really freaking out that I couldn't pee. I also felt super guilty like I shouldn't have reached out and I was being annoying and creepy. I would never want to push myself on someone who I knew didn't want me to. Finally, she called me and she sounded so furious on the phone. I ended up going and talking to her outdoors because I didn't want my mom hearing me crying and begging her not to be mad at me. She also sounded mad I stayed with my mom afterward, even though I told her I couldn't really go home while I had the catheter since my apartment is a huge disgusting infection risk.

A few days later she phoned and told me out of nowhere that "for my own good," we couldn't talk for 6 weeks. I started crying and asked her not to hurt me while I was still feeling bad from surgery (and honestly feeling really vulnerable), and did I do something wrong? I told her if she hung up without any explanation, I'd spend the next 6 weeks hating myself and going through a mllion reasons why I'm not worth caring about anymore. Then she said "I have to go," and just hung up.

I was really hurt. I started thinking about it constantly, nonstop, why I stopped being worth caring about. I talked to her after 6 wks hoping she'd at least be honest and I could stop trying to figure it out. Things got even more confusing after I went to talk to her again. First she apologized for abandoning me, "I did a really bad thing." She said she was "just changing her attitude toward work" and we could just see each other at school every now and then to keep in touch but that's it. I asked if I did something wrong or if she was mad at me because I was too demanding and then she said, "you're implying that I only care about you if I'm getting burnt out. I don't even see my friends, but I found time talk to you every week, that has to change." Then later, "everyone else who comes to see me gets better, you just get sicker..." At this point, I was beginning to have bad fears about how safe this relationship was anyway, because it was making me feel worse about myself. I also definitely don't want to be around someone who wants me gone. It also hurt that she had encouraged me to depend on her more and more for 5 yrs and then suddenly abandoned me for 6 weeks right after surgery.

I started coming to see you by the next time I talked to her. I told her that I'd been doing way better with eating and self-harm and starting to clean up my apt and that I feel comfortable & I like you and you were helping me, then she said she changed her mind about the minimal contact and I should come see her weekly as a paid private client. I had just told her like 5 mins before that I was saving up to declare bankruptcy and am living on about
$1000/month after the garnishment, but she thought it was okay to suddenly want me to come see her for $480/month. I was REALLY hurt and confused, not just because she wanted me to pay (she knew I didn't HAVE it), but because the last time I had seen her, she told me she couldn't help me. Plus she had also seemed to want to get rid of me. Also, why would she want to interfere when I told her you were helping me? At this point most of that fear of losing her had been replaced with doubt (the distance actually helped as much as it hurt), and this made me really confused and maybe a bit exploited. It's also really hard to deal with someone constantly changing their mind.

Then the last time I saw her (I saw her at school once at the beginning of April. I went out of some naive idiotic belief that maybe I could find some closure or understanding and stop hurting about it), she said she never should have talked to me outside of school in the first place (after 5 yrs of doing it) and that it was wrong for her to do it. I actually thought she meant it was wrong because it ended up hurting me and I didn't want her to feel bad so I said "it wasn't wrong, it made me feel cared for." And she answered, "maybe it helped *you*, but *I* could have lost my job." After that, I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore because it didn't seem to bother her at all that she hurt me.