So, are you still in denial if you acknowledge you might be in denial?

I've really been ok the past two weeks after my T. mentioned referring me and it's almost freaking me out. I'm not crying or longing or sad. I'm really normal. I'm not sure if I'm pushing her away so I feel "normal" and back to my old self. Or, if deep down I know this is necessary so accepting it faster. Maybe I just feel empowered and in control.

This might help some of you. Here are some realizations I've had which made me realize I was in a really bad place.
1. I think talking about my mom issues kept my mom alive. Therefore, I was focused even more on what I didn't get vs just feeling it in real life and processing it. I was too focused and that fed my transference.
2. I was so determined for my T. to see me cry and get her sympathy that I stayed stuck in my pain. I would think "I wish T. could see me now" and try to hold onto it until my next session. NOT healthy.
3. I was afraid if I told her all the good things happening, she would tell me we were done with therapy. So, I picked apart things that were going fine, just not perfect.
4. I needed to space to see that I could process on my own and not have to tell my T. everything.

Now that I'm not talking or thinking much about my mom, everything seems to have calmed down. I just feel different. I haven't cried in several days and when I did it was over wanting affection but then I processed it and moved on. I'm not sure what's happening but it feels better than it used to.

Thanks for "listening".