I'm in a similar position. Just remember, it's a coping mechanism that made you do it. I used to think that my coping mechanisms were destructive, bad, etc. until a therapist told me not to be so hard on them as they were the reason I survived to this point and from that point I just had to learn to replace positive with negative ones. I guess it's when you hit rock bottom and do some really low or out of character things that you can really seek help and it's best if those around you know about your behaviours. They'll be the ones you hope will spot crazy behaviours as you move on, or returns to destructive strategies.

Your behaviour is just a symptom of something really deep and damaging that others will not understand. You just gotta be open with them, explain what was going through your head, and try and explain your behaviours. Only then will they UNDERSTAND. It is this understanding that is so hard to find in others, but I reckon if your husband can be the one to understand, you will only get stronger as a couple and deal with everything head on.

I'm proof that there is light at the end of a dark dark tunnel - even though I still have my moments! Tx.