marmaduke, I'm SO sorry you had to go through the same.. But SO glad to hear you've learned to love yourself

I feel that as part of the grieving process, I need to start sharing some specific incidents from my childhood that I don't think were handled right..

This one memory has, for some reason, haunted me forever even after I've talked about it in therapy.. I was maybe around six years old. I woke up during the night to a sound coming from the far end of the house. I'll always remember thinking it sounded like a turtle dove. Now, I didn't then and still don't have the faintest idea what a turtle dove sounds like, but I'd heard the word in a film I'd seen and felt my native language equivalent for it was so beautiful that it stuck with me..

I think I tried going back to sleep at first but the sound kept me awake. I grew more nervous as to where it was coming from. A couple of times, I got out of bed and walked towards it, but got scared and went back to bed - until I finally managed to make my way to the other end of the house.

It was my mum crying. I just had time to ask what was wrong before my dad got there. In a quiet and constrained voice, my mum told me to go back to bed. My dad asked her what was wrong with her AGAIN, and she exploded. As I stood there, she got up and started SCREAMING at my dad. I still remember her face, she was LIVID.. I felt as though I left my own body.. Then I walked back to bed where I lay awake until they stopped rowing.

I feel SO sorry for myself that I had to be in the middle of a situation like that (and so, soooo many other rows.. constantly being woken up in the night..) I feel I should have had another adult there with me, someone who would have taken me away from that situation (and maybe even yell at my parents to try and make them see what they were doing to me!) - I actually went through this situation with my therapist and imagined my dead godfather appearing and carrying me to safety.. But the thing is, it DID happen - all of it happened, and there WAS no one there! For years and years and years! I'm SO sorry that I had no one - so sorry I had to go through all that.. So sorry there was no way out..