Hopeful Camel,

During the session, my T asked me to describe the barrier, what I call 'The Wall' in my head that's blocking my experiences. I remember some things clearly, but even those things are difficult if not impossible to put into a coherent timeline. Yes, these things are VERY slippery. Good description.

My 'wall' is made of bricks and mortar, built slowly over time, so that the bricks are not all uniform in color, and in some places - especially at the bottom, the mortar is starting to crumble, yet it still holds fast. When I got to the point that I could build it no higher, I stopped. I could peek around it, but I don't. When she asked on a scale of 0-10 if it was because I can't or won't, I said 5 for can't, 10 for won't.

When she asked me what was the worst case scenario I might find behind the wall, I freaked. Full blown panic attack. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk, I couldn't stop shaking. She talked me down, and finally I was able to answer that it was like that scene in the movie "Sybil" where the mother was sexually abusing her daughter with objects. I won't say more than that. I never finished watching that movie because that scene was so disturbing, I turned it off.

At that point, she asked me a few more questions about what I was feeling in my body. My feet were numb, and I crossed my right leg over my left, protecting my genitals. It was a completely unconscious response on my part. We spent quite a while after we ended the EMDR talking until I was calm enough I felt it was safe to drive home.

It was probably one of the most, if not THE most intense sessions I've ever had. I did not sleep AT ALL that night. Last night I slept for 12 hours, so today I feel much better, but I have been fighting a migraine ever since, which I have not had one of those in a decade or so.

I've done EMDR off and on for years, with this therapist and another one when I was in FL. I sure as hell am not stopping now. I've come too far, and I have too much to lose. I will tear down the wall. I am taking back everything that was taken from me by my abusers. It's a huge battle at times, like now, but well worth fighting. In the end, I know I will win with the right help. I have a strong support system in place, which is priceless, and I never take it for granted. I know I am very fortunate because I survived. Now I am learning to thrive.

I believe there's a special place in hell for people who abuse others that would make Dante's description of it seem like Disney World. It is not for me to decide their fate, though I am surely tempted, but I would never act on the revenge fantasies I have. That would just bring me down to their level. I win by taking the high road. Always have. Always will.