Lately I've been trying not to let my self hate get the best of me- staying up late planning what school to go to and deciding on concentrations, plus not being able to sleep out of anger at myself . . .I've been waking up angry at myself and then crying(thinking about time wasted, thinking about every last bad decision I've ever made and regretting too much- feeling like a failure because I'm bad at making and maintaining friendships after being a recluse for so many years after being hurt))- I've made the decision to finally go back to school and get my MA- something I've been thinking about for a while on and off and kept getting distracted by things- thought of time it would take, finances, etc- and now I'm so mad at myself for not doing it sooner- I know I'm still young (early 30's) but I can't get over being mad at myself. . . .I'm tiring myself out- at work I'm seemingly fine, being round others helps a bit - but am so distracted by my thoughts -
I'm still overly sad though even though I'm making an effort(writing out info on application process and making appointments with advisors, etc)- it's like have the time I want to hurry up and do it and the other times I'm like whats the point, I've wasted so much time already- that's how I talked myself out of doing it the last 5 years, and I kept being stubborn thinking I'd find a better job and then start writing more on the side, which never ****ing happened. ARGH!
I'm currently drinking a beer (I barely drink) to calm my nerves- I was sitting here on my computer and my whole body kept freezing up- my muscles that is- This used to happen to me more as a child- I had the beer close and wasn't going to drink it but now I had to to help calm myself down a bit . . ..which I feel bad (mainly because it's so early in the day and I have work in 4 hours) for because I don't like being dependent upon anything but I guess at rare times like this it's ok . .. (it's calmed my mind and body enough to write this post)

ps. My mom just called right after I posted this and as I started talking to her I became tearful, such a weird cycle, my anger always turns to tears . . what is wrong with me?