I haven't seemed to enjoy the company of others much for a long time now. I find it exhausting to socialize with others and have no confidence either.

Today, I dropped out of physical therapy (required after my heart surgery) after only going once. I just hated being there. I hated having devices hooked up to my hairy body that were painful to remove. With my bad feet and injured left knee, exercise of any kind is painful. Then there was the emotional pain of just going there. I hate my body so much, both the inside and the outside. I'm ashamed of who I am and don't want to be around anyone anymore. This problem is getting worse and worse.

My new T likes me because I am a good talker. I can talk to a T but I cannot do it socially. I struggle for things to say. Often, if I cannot think of anything to say, I will simply say what's in my head even though I sense it would not be the best thing to say. I'm in a constant state of social panic. I find it hard to smile. I am not glad to meet people; all I get is nervous and self-conscious. I then don't want to be there and long to be somewhere else, and end up leaving.

I am so full of anger at myself for being me, at the world, at the train wreck god who created me. Deep down, I don't like anything anymore. I just want to be alone. My T does not see it. We chat pleasantly. Lately, though, I've started telling her that her advice is useless. She thinks that I'm normal and that the gay community (I'm gay.) is just average people. But, my older generation is different. They continue to sleep around and/or to use drugs. It's what people of my era did socially and they haven't changed. I never fit in with them. (Epileptic me should not drink or do drugs.) She refuses to believe me and says that everyone can't be like that. From my experience, they are. Some people have been too aggressive trying to court me, even when I show no interest, to the point that they are a complete turn off. People who I just want as friends come on to me sexually and I can't deal with it. It's just a disaster.

Lately, I never leave my apartment. I dread being alive. I know that my childhood and adolescence were not the best. Likewise, my adult life has not worked out either, having worked for several egomaniacs / sociopaths. I'm a simple guy who just wants to live a clean, simple life. Unfortunately, I live in the big city where life is not so simple and being simple seems to just make me a victim.

Having spent most of my childhood alone, that's how I am most comfortable. But, instead of being happy, I am miserable. Nothing seems to work. I don't seem to fit in anywhere. My social skills are not very good and I don't seem to be able to trust myself. People can tell when you're not having a good time. I don't know what to do. Everything just seems hopeless at this point.