Your plight is so familiar. I included a whole chapter on what I call The Chore Wars in my book on long-term very happy relationships, because this was one of the main issues that nearly destroyed my own marriage (well, it made me into an angry nag, and that certainly didn't make our home a pleasant place for my husband).

No, you don't have to be the maid. Or you SHOULDN'T have to be, but if you're married to someone who's so annoyingly old-fashioned as to insist that all the housework HAS to be yours, well, then you have some choices. But it sounds like it's not so clear cut. He's offered to help, but doesn't always follow through. Now THAT's a different story from refusing to help EVER or altogether. Sure, it would be great if he'd just pitch in when there's stuff to be done, on a regular basis preferably. Don't hold your breath, quit your job, or file for divorce. Instead, consider the following possibilities:

1. Are your standards for housekeeping a little too high? Maybe they're as low as they can go, but usually I find that women believe they have to keep everything spotless and tidy at all times, no matter how busy they are. Or produce amazing meals at all times. So think about your own standards. Are there things you can do less of? Less laundry? Wear stuff more often, change the sheets less often, that sort of thing? Buy extra underwear so you don't run out.

2. If it's HIS standards that are the problem, then you have a clear option: tell him to butt out. If it's YOUR job to keep house, then it's your job to decide how and when to do it. You're an adult, and you don't tell him how to do his job, so he has NO RIGHT to bug you if you're not always perfect by HIS standards. If he's critical of your efforts, that's a form of abuse. Emotional abuse. And that will kill your love for him. Tell him that.

3. Read what I wrote in Loving in Flow about this topic, if you can find the time (!). I explain in detail how you can adapt to a lazy sloppy hubby who has to be reminded to do his share (or even a piece of his share). YOU WILL HAVE TO ADAPT (after 14 years, he won't change dramatically), but you can do so with his help. Talk with him about how to get him to help out more, since you're considering giving up some of your child care duties in order to do more housework, and neither of you really prefers that. Or maybe you do.

Good luck. It's a common problem, a frustrating one, but it can be dealt with so that you can keep your marriage loving.

Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.BunnyApe.com/lovinginflow.htm>http://www.BunnyApe.com/lovinginflow.htm</A>
Author of <font color=red> LOVING IN FLOW: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way </font color=red>