I'm sorry you're feeling this way. That sounds very difficult. Are you seeing someone or getting any professional help for some of these social issues you're having? Your posts don't make me think "soulless monster". I am troubled that is how you're seeing yourself.

Unfortunately, it seems like some of this goes beyond the extent of what we can provide over a forum. It seems like you are really struggling with your identity. That will make it hard for you to be comfortable in your own skin and maybe is even causing you to project negative emotions on to others, which won't aid you in striking new bonds.

You have gotten some really good feeback from our members regarding your post. Only you can make the decision and determine who you want to be. Don't place barriers around yourself out of fear of not being enough. That would be my only additional advice.

I personally have had to come to terms with my extreme anxiety. I can be incredibly moody, irritable, and downright cranky at times and then slump down in to a pretty dark depression. I know I will always need a partner that can see past my bouts of irritation and not engage me during my worst; someone that will lift me up. They do exist. There are people out there. I know it might not seem like it now. Just know you are not alone. You have us for your support! And, hopefully, you will consider seeing (or continuing to see) a professional locally that can provide more substantial supports.