Quote:
Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend
I wouldn't call this anxiety but more of a phobia.
I'm afraid of showing anything that I consider a "weakness" in public. I avoid showing emotions (especially sadness), looking stupid or incompetent, telling others what I think, or engaging people in small talk because I suck at it.
I'm not afraid of people in general and can be very confident when I have the advantage, but if I don't, I keep my defenses up.
I always have my guard up in public or when being forced to socialize with strangers. I'm often rude to people or make myself appear aggressive even going to the extreme of wearing intimidating black "metalhead" or "biker" clothes just to protect myself and I always wear sunglasses or tinted glasses so people can't look into my eyes and see any signs of anything that they can exploit to their advantage.
The way I see it is it's better to be feared than pitied because if somebody is afraid of you, they won't hurt you and exploit your weaknesses to their advantage whereas if you show weakness, then you might as well have a big red target over your head because others will be in line to hurt you somehow.
Underneath the mask though, I'm a fragile generally kind person. I'm just afraid to show kindness to those who I don't know because kindness can be exploited as well.
If I have to socialize with somebody important, I find myself researching their weaknesses and learning about their personality before I engage them so I can have the advantage. When dealing with powerful people who you need to get ahead either career or business wise, I see showing any form of weakness or incompetence to them as the worst thing you can possibly do.
Finally, when I'm at the store, I always have my guard up and I'm always on the lookout which makes it hard for me to keep focus on my budget and often causes me to make mistakes. Normally, I'm good at math, but I spend most of my energy keeping my defenses up which makes it difficult for me.
Anybody else have any similar issues here?
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It is like you are writing about me. I was nodding my head along with your entire post. I have this extreme aversion to exhibiting any signs of a weakness. Because, as you mention, that is when exploitation happens. I do not show emotions. Only when I am by myself. I am always the 'strong one' in crisis situations or otherwise stressful situations. When someone tries to call me out for being wrong about something, I am incredibly defensive. I will admit when I make mistakes but OOOOH it can be excruciating.
So, please don't think you're alone. My fiance has a tough time understanding my actions, sometimes. He will say "Why don't you just this" or "Why don't you just do that" and I want to say "Because they'll take it as a sign of being weak!"
I don't like to be late anywhere, but I also don't like to be early. I don't like to do anything considered socially unacceptable to embarass myself. It really comes down to weakness and having someone pity me. I do not want to be pitied. Ever. I think part of it stems from being SOOO sensitive inside, if I create this exterior that I am tough as nails and don't need anyone, then no one can ever pity me or let me down. This is a big problem for my relationships. It is a cause of a lot of conflict in my current relationship because I am SO dang scared to let my guard down, show some emotion, and really depend on another person. I know if I am tough, strong, independent, and sure of myself that I can't fail. But, letting myself rely on someone else or depend on anyone else is something my mind identifies as a weakness.
I don't know if I went on a tangent and you're thinking "OH man, nevermind, that is way weirder than me" but I thought I'd share.
I have found sometimes I just have to weigh the realistic and logical options. We cannot do everything on our own. We cannot always be strong. Sometimes, we DO need someone to carry us. I know that despite my being independent all the time, many days I think "It would be so nice if someone could just take care of ME for once".
We really have to realize our fear of weakness is our own. People often don't give a second thought to scenarios that will bug the heck out of me. I over analyze and put too much stock in to situations that otherwise is inconsequential. I even found myself punishing people for things I PROJECTED they were feeling or thinking. Because, it was easier to determine that for me.
It has taken me a few years to get past that and I still struggle with it. But, know you're not alone. And, know that there are plenty of people that understand, empathize, and will relate with you.